"It just came fl owing out of my mouth."
"The word mine does not need to be plural."
"I'm gonna stick with my words, cuz that's how I get
down."
~
"I was awoken by the shimmy of the bunk. I was on
the bottom, facing the wall, when something started sliding
down the wall. Then the bunk stopped moving."
~
"I don't believe this experience has made me decidedly
less Christian, but it has defi nitely played on my sympathy
level."
"I've recently reverted to Christianity."
"That just means you're not into little boys anymore."
~
"My bro is 5'12." My daddy is 76 years old and kin
bench 485 lbs. He'll kick your ass."
~
"Where you from?"
"Wyoming," with a hardy laugh.
"Why do you say it like that?"
"Have you ever been to Wyoming? There is a general
lack of education and dental care."
~
"Batiste, can I have a hug?"
"No."
"But I'm going to jam, baby!"
"When you discharge, I'll give you a hug."
"Can I give you a good-game then?"
~
"What if your best friend was a quadruple amputee
with a screaming hard-on? Would you rub one out for him
then?"
~
"I went to the shower Saturday morning, and I opened
the door. Lanyang Liu was puttin' a foot-and-a-half of Asian
pipe in a white boy ass."
"He won't move shit for years."
"God, I bet you'd cramp up like mad!"
~
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"I want the box the kids came in."
~
"So, what were you doing? I mean, it looked pretty
suspicious. I looked in your cell, pants were off, and hard
was on."
~
"What shook his faith in Islam?"
"Did he have any?"
"Well, he used to be a Negative American."
~
"He has to make payments on his mama's trailer and the
transmission sitting in the front yard. He also wants out by
August so he can mow."
~
"You need a new Easy-Bake Oven."
"They won't let us cook with light bulbs."
~
"What if you catch something from the toilet seat?"
"I rarely sit on the seat anyway. It's typically a one-knee
operation."
~
"I gotta move; I'm livin' in the House of Yahweh."
~
"I'll pop your eye out and skull-fuck you, just so you can
see where I'm coming from."
~
"That fart smelled like shaved, toothless gerbils coated
in KY."
"The elastic in those shorts did not hold that in.that
bubbled, spit, and ran right down your leg."
~
"How long have you known him?"
"Up until he ran his mouth; it's not as if he's a privilege
to talk to."
~
We had an Inmate in the school's GED program. "They
fi red me from school and I had only two testes left."
"Ok, I have two questions for you: How many did you
start with and who is taking them from you?"
~
"Do you have any C batteries?"
"C cells are for WADS."
"Huh?"
"Woman Assist Devices."
~
"What do you know about snakes?"
"Very little; they don't have opposable thumbs."
~
"What's that, a hickey?"
"No."
"Tell your celly to leave you alone."
"We only spoon."
"At least you're not forking."
~
"Ya know, 'I give a shit what you think' is a valued
feeling that you give to people. I have family members that
do not get that."
~
"When you move in with me, I'll buy you a pair of shoes
if you jack-off on my feet."
~
"You just don't have enough time left in your life to kick
the shit out of every fool you come across."
~
"I'm going to my cell and read my Bible. Then I'm
going to Heaven, and I'm going to wait for you, so I can fuck
you up when you get there."
~
"I wonder if beavers feel bad? I mean, they get a bad
rap. Ya can't tell me that any of them really shave."
~
"Read my lips."
"I can't read your lips, it's too dark, and there is too
much light behind you. You're nothing but a silhouette. All
I see is your ears wigglin'."
~
"Apparently, you're under the impression that I have
considerably more control than I actually have, and you're
giving my memory far more credit than it deserves."
~
"C'mon, I'm a good guy; I've got my two-gallon donor
pin!"
~
"His game was so bad all his ex-girlfriends are
lesbians."
~
"Man, you're not a fi sh, you're the entire fucking
aquarium!"
~
"The only real down-side to this job is that you'll never
have a "bring-your-daughter-to-work" day."
~
"Bubba? Your name is Bubba? Let me guess; you shot
a jukebox? Okay, we can let you go now, but fi rst, you have
to spell watermelon."
~
"Hey Boss, I got a rebel reprimand for language and
custering."
"Didn't you get room restriction?"
"I deed not get any of that shit!"
~
"I shaved my asshole, and pimped myself out for a $20
spot; it was enough at the time. As Paul Simon would say, I
do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome I took
some comfort there."
~
"But I go to church every Sunday!"
"Just going to church don't make you Christian, not any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
~
"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
~
"What is the punishment for a lesser crime, one in which
you aren't convicted of anything, but one that tarnishes
your reputation, or an allegation that questions your moral
character?"
"You have to work here."
~
"I have infl uence on you Batiste."
"I see you've familiarized yourself with the butterfl y
effect."
~
"Slow down; I forgot my Duck-to-English dictionary
today."
~
"I banged my head, and now I think I'm beginning to
see your imaginary friends. Trouble is, they all look like
they are nine-years old!"
~
"That sounded like you launched the corn right through
your jeans. If you took the Willy Wonka tour, something
bad would happen to you."
~
"She married a Jew, so I have to pay a Rib-Eye."
~
"Why did you go on early lines?"
"I was told to."
"Are you diabetic?"
"I'm sposed to be."
"ARE YOU?"
"No."
"Who told you to go on early lines?"
"I don't remember."
"You imagined it, never go again, and STOP looking
like you're trying to sneak out!"
~
"I'm morally superior to you because you commit crimes
on a regular basis and do not pay the price for them. I'm
paying the price for every crime I ever committed. You
commit crimes and get away with it, so you're not paying.
That makes me morally superior to you."
~
"You're a closet duck."
"What do you mean, I ain't no duck."
"Well, you act tough, showing your mean mug and all,
but I think you're really a duck. You're scared that you'll
meet somebody tougher than you at every turn."
~
"That fat-ass bitch gave my job away"
"How can you call her fat?"
"Her ass be way up in the air, like when you put a bicycle
seat all the way up. That shit is way up in the air."
~
"Have you ever mooned a blind guy?"
"No, where the hell did that come from?"
"Well, you're yelling at a guy you know can't hear shit,
what's the difference?"
~
"I am not eating state food anymore, and I have not lost
an ounce. I'm thinking I'm just shitting less. My colon is
probably very happy."
~
"They have profi led themselves. As sure as Leonard
Nimoy is Spock, they are Faggot-Cowboys now, and they'll
never get another tough-guy role."
~
"If you let me off the burglary charge, I'll tell you where
the body is."
"What body?"
~
"Hey, I got two speeds; if you don't like this one, you
sure as a fuck won't be happy with the other."
~
"Man, you don't do shit. All you gotta do is look in a few
lockers, burp a few babies, and fi ll outcher paperwork."
~
"Count, I think you gave me the wrong meds."
"Yes, I have quite a conundrum here."
"Now is not the time to brag or bribe, Count. What I
really need is my meds."
"Go have a seat. I'll call the nurse and see what we can
do."
I called the nurse, "I just accidentally gave an inmate
two lithiums."
She said, "He'll be all right, he'll just be really sleepy."
"Okay."
"What's he doing right now?"
"He's sitting, watching TV.uh.wait, he's sliding out
of the chair onto the fl oor.uh.he's sleeping on the fl oor
in the TV room."
~
"That's a big pinky nail for a man who's not God."
~
"You're not mentally retarded; stop hiding behind that
big ass head."
~
"You're so horny, you'd fuck the left eye of a jack-olantern."
"Maybe even the right one."
~
"Hey Batiste, I got a joke for ya."
"Let's hear it."
"A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The
guy orders a beer, the ostrich orders a beer, and the cat says,
I want a jack and coke, but I ain't gonna pay for it. The
bar tender says, $12.75, and the guy pulls out exact change.
Without counting he hands it to the bar tender to pay. A
little bit later, the bar tender comes back and asks if he can
get them another round. The guy orders a beer, the ostrich
orders a beer, and the cat says, I want a jack and coke, but I
ain't gonna pay for it. The bar tender says, the happy hour
price is $10.25, and the guy pulls out exact change. Without
counting he hands it to the bar tender to pay. The bar tender
gets curious and says to the guy, hey can I ask you a couple
questions? The guy says sure. The bar tender says, every
time I tell you how much you always have exact change.
What's up with that? Well, ya see, I found this Genie one
time, and one of my wishes was to always have exact change
in my pocket when I go to pay for something. The bar tender
says, fuck that was a great wish. What's up with the ostrich
and the cat. Well, says the guy, my second wish was for a
chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
~
"When the guns and knives and eight-foot brothers
come out, I got their back.ya know why? Cause they got
mine."
"Be advised, this medication is labeled last dose. If you
want more, you'll have to kite pharmacy."
"Last dose, what's that mean?"
"It means you started menopause and you no longer
need birth control."
