"I took apart my watch and dissected mice. Neither worked afterward."
Dissecting Rodents
Shaking down cells is not my favorite thing to do, but
discovering and eliminating contraband is a necessary part of
the job. Staff members are supposed to look for contraband,
and ensure the inmates are meeting a cleanliness standard.
More often than not, I use the time to catch up on ESPN
highlights, because I do not have cable at home. While
listening to the inmate's television I scrounge around, making
sure they are not hiding things they should not have in their
cells. Typically, they will try to store cleaning supplies,
over-the-counter medication, or cardboard toilet paper rolls,
among other trivial violations. Once in awhile, you will fi nd
a good fi fi , but I allow the inmates to keep those, hoping it
will cut down on their sexual activities with each other. A
fi fi is a homemade pussy constructed out of toilet paper and
a rubber glove. I am told that suction is created and that it
can be very realistic.
Many of the inmates have learned how to make
"volumizers" out of the toilet paper rolls. The cardboard
tube placed between the ear pieces of their headphones
amplifi es the sound quite nicely. They are not allowed to
purchase or possess external speakers, and it is a pain in the
butt (not to mention the ears) to have to wear the headphones
all the time.
I was searching through inmate Putnam's hygiene items
when I found a modifi ed razor. Now you might not think
a modifi ed razor is a big deal. He had simply removed the
blade from the safety razor, and tied it to a toothbrush.
Razors modifi ed in this fashion are commonly used to cut
hair because there are not enough barbers available to the
inmates. There is a slim chance that it will be used as a
weapon, but it is not likely.
Before I confi scate items, I like to discuss things with
the inmate. Often times, I learn a lot, and on occasion, paper
work and time is saved. I called inmate Putnam to his cell.
He began a lie about preparing his arm to appear female.
"You shave an arm and hide the upper portion with your
covers. This will give you additional visual stimulation. If
you paint your nails, and use a lot of lotion, you might even
accomplish the appearance of a woman's arm. Then, use a
rubber band to cut off the circulation, and you'll have the
most realistic hand-job you can get, without just letting your
celly do it for you."
I was not buying it, and he saw it in my face. Putnam
then explained that he was using the device to dissect the
mice on which he was running an experiment. Curiosity got
to me, and he was more than willing to share the process.
You see, Putnam used to be a high school biology teacher,
prior to his arrest. This should have qualifi ed him for
professional deference, but I just could not give it to him.
Something about him was like chewing on tin foil.
He explained to me that he caught the mice in traps he
fashioned with peanut butter as the bait. Once caught, he
placed the mice between ice-fi lled zip-lock bags to freeze
them. It was at this point where he used the modifi ed razor
to shave and make the incision above the right rear leg, at
which point, he removed their spleens. Cauterizing the
wound was easy as well. Putnam simply used a wire from
one of his appliances. With one end inserted into the wall
outlet, the other end was his hot knife. When the mice
thawed out, Putnam timed how long they would live without
their spleens. I was still amazed, and my biology was a little
fuzzy, given how long ago I was educated in that subject.
"Why do you remove their spleens?"
"Without a spleen, they effectively become diabetic.
I am submitting my research to the American Diabetes
Association, in the hopes that they will publish my
fi ndings."
"Don't you suppose that somebody has done this
research before?"
"Not in a prison."
According to Putnam's research, the longest a mouse
lived after being thawed was 21 minutes.
"Act like you don't know you're missing anything and wait for the thief to tip you off. He'll say something like, "Hey, you got any coffee?" The bad reaction would be to say, "Fuck No, somebody stole it!" The good reaction would be to say, "Sure, can I fi x you some?" Then go make him a cup and piss in it. You ain't gotta steal from me. If you just ask, I'll give you the back of my shirt."
Moving Flu
"Me and Reese are not catable as cellies."
"How come?"
"Batiste, he wanted to suck my dick!"
"Did you let him?"
"Hell no!"
"Was it the facial hair?"
"No, I just ain't queer."
"I like to tease homos into thinking that I might be
interested. Once in awhile, when I get in weird moods, I'm
not sure that I'm not curious."
"Are you fucking kidding me, Batiste?"
"Yes, yes, of course. Now where do you want to
move?"
"Remember that guy? He used to fi ght cows."
"You mean Johnson, the calf-roper?"
"Yah, that guy. Does he have a celly?"
"I think he does. How about Fitzgerald? He needs a
celly."
"No, he's not speaking white."
"Are you prejudice, Flu?"
"My walls have gone up and my guns are drawn."
"That's depressing."
"I don't need help with my depression; I need to start
with my brain. Do you think I need a new brain?"
"Just fi x the one you got."
"I guess you gotta make the vest outta stuff. But my
brain; I have this pressure in my head, there is attention in
my eyes."
Now I am hearing in Pfl ugisms. If he meant "a tension"
it would make perfect sense.
"Fitz has a violent nature. I'm not sure I could move
you in there anyway."
"I believe when you hit a kid, they get violence."
"Ya know, we don't have to come up with the answer
right this second."
"Eventually, we'll have to work on it later."
"At the moment, I have to get you back to your cell."
"Can't I go outside?"
"No. You missed doors."
"Will that bubble bitch get pissed if you let me out
anyway?"
"Flu, you know I won't step on her.toes."
"You wanted to say crank, didn't you? She gets more
dick than I do, and I got one! Those nipples are so hard;
you could cut ice with them. I am veloping hatred towards
her."
"Why?"
"Thayer's got a bandana against me."
"What did you do to her?"
"Nothing."
"Then why?"
"For being a paranoi? I told her, I come in piece of
mind. She just doesn't understand criminals. She thinks
that people always come back to the crime of the scene. She
talks about me to other staff too. She don't know, but I got
ears like a hawk."
Flu never did get a celly. We had to move him into
a completely empty cell. Not even the slobberin' slopeheads
would have him. Eventually, he transferred back to
LCC for the inpatient mental health program offered at that
location.